Falling into Place

 

I see you. I see you holding your breath and swallowing that lump in your throat when you find out another family member is pregnant. I see you sneak off to the bathroom to let the tears fall, all just to turn around and screw on another fake smile. I see you envy the woman with 4 kids down the street; oh, what you would do for just one. I see you grabbing your chest as your heart begins to race when your friend tells you she’s pregnant. I hear your anger when you scream as you look to Heaven looking for answers. I watch you hate yourself for being jealous because you feel like you’re a horrible person. I hear you scold the woman under your breath who just gave birth and her baby was born addicted. I feel your jaw clutch when you see children being neglected. You dig in the deepest parts of your heart to try and figure out what you did that was so wrong that you have been cursed with a desire to be a mother and you have no baby to hold. I know all of this because I have been there. To be honest, I have been there since my last post; remember that post about freedom? But today, I am quickly reminded of the promises that God does keep.

When I was younger I had specific dreams; I was a fast mover. I wanted to be married at 19 to the guy I thought I loved. I wanted a house, and babies, and nice things. I wanted it all and I wanted it all now. It’s funny how things change. Almost 10 years later and my life is completely different and I have new dreams. But the things I really wanted, like having a loving marriage, own my own business, get as many degrees as possible, and travel, have all been possible. Why? Well, because God really does answer prayers– the real desires of your heart.

Within the last three years of my marriage, things have changed so much. It has always been a desire of mine to be a stay-at-home mom, or as much as I could. I have prayed for family meals at the dinner table, weekends to spend together, but still, be able to provide a nice home. At one point, Timmy was working long hours and I was working for a corporation over-exhausting myself; we were both like walking zombies. That would have made it impossible to have my dreams. Fast forward to a few years later and things are falling into place. Every single thing that I want for my family is getting in order, but in God’s timing. He is doing the same for you. He’s getting things in order to prepare you for the special package that is coming!

Sometimes our package takes a little extra work. Maybe it is through IUI or IVF that your story will be told. Maybe it is through 15 years of trying that you have a miracle baby the doctors said you would never have. It could even be adoption papers that you just signed. Maybe, just maybe, God is using all of this to use you! If that’s the case, sign me up because anything that is in His favor is good enough for me! I feel blessed in an odd way to be chosen for this journey because it is going to be a wonderful testament to God when I hold my little one in my arms. It takes a strong woman to hold the desires of a child in her heart, but not hold a baby in her arms. Just because you cry in the bathroom, grit your teeth, and feel a little jealous, doesn’t make you a failure. But while you’re down on your knees, say a prayer and give thanks for the prayers God has answered. Admittedly, I have forgotten just how much He has blessed me with when I am in self-pity mode..

Pictured is a sweet baby named Jonas who was prayed for the better half of 5 years. Brandy and her husband did fertility treatments including, but not limited to, IUI and IVF.  I know them personally and they allowed me to use Jonas’ new born photo for this post. Brandy says, “I empathize for everyone struggling… I would love for people to know our story. It is a struggle and I am there for anyone dealing with it. I am not ashamed by my struggles. I want people to know there is hope because I had lost ALL of mine. I actually started accepting that I was just not meant to be a mom.” A few weeks ago we celebrated Jonas’ first birthday. God is so good!

When I wrote Freedom from Unexplained we had an enormous response from friends and strangers who are going through the same exact things. Some offered sweet advice and others asked for prayer. Ashley and I have been praying for all of you who reached out and even those who didn’t. We love all of you!

 

Xo,
Er