“Hey, sis I want to show you something in this aisle! I found it the other day and thought you and Ash would love these! They reminded me of your blog,” my mom said as she drug me through crowded Walmart last weekend. “Here look!” She exclaimed as she pointed to the cutest adventure themed decor that she was so proud she found. ADVENTURE was spelled out an a wooden block, textured with map paper and a blue silhouette of the U.S. with EXPLORE going through the center; they were the two pieces that caught my eye. I burst into tears. Why would that make me cry?
Infertility.
Let me tell you that I was shocked when I started crying. I have completely let go and let God. Lately, I’ve not even thought about having a child, but it attacks at any moment, without warning. It stabs you in the heart and punches you in the gut, even on your best days.
It’s a big secret (at least it was until now) that I stand in the room that will one day be the nursery in our home and I cry, pray, and dream. Amongst the piles of junk I need to go through, I see the wall color, where the crib will go, and the sign on the wall that says, “You’re our greatest adventure.” The adventure theme is what I have been dreaming of having for our nursery, which is why those two little trinkets at Walmart sent me to tears.
But guess what I did next? I took those and I walked away leaving my mom in tears in the aisle because she felt bad. I walked to the shopping cart and I placed my FIRST nursery purchase in my cart, IN FAITH. My mom kept apologizing, but how could she have known I would begin crying? How does anyone know? We “infertiles” don’t even know. It didn’t matter because I needed these for our future nursery, no matter how bad it hurt.
When I got home to my husband, I showed off the newest purchases; I walked them into that worn down room that will one day have life and I sat them on the desk. I stood in the room and mentally added those additions to the room as tears soaked my cheeks.
It was hard, friends. It was difficult to make those purchases. It was even harder to place them in the room, but the worst thing was to wonder if I am worthy enough to receive a miracle. But sometimes, having faith is hard.
I think of Moses, Noah, Esther, and Job. What if in their lowest moments they gave up? What if they cursed God, blamed Him for all of their problems? In those moments, right before “giving up” happens is when the miracles take place. Why? Because, for them, instead of giving up, their faith grew stronger and God provided a way– just as He promised He would when he sacrificed His son for us. Don’t give up on the only One who is fighting for you, even when it hurts so bad you can’t breathe.
Stir up that faith like it’s your last 30 seconds in your cardio routine. Push though, because there is a miracle waiting at your finish line.
Xo,
Er
Leave a Reply