Fear, You Don’t Own Me

Well friends, I am in my feelings tonight, so I figured I would dig into the deepest part of myself and share with you what I have been going through. It has been a while since I have shared the darker side of my life, the side I am open about, yet don’t particularly talk about too much (at least on the blog anyway).  If you are familiar with my situation, you already know that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over 3 and a half years. What many of you don’t know is that we decided to seek new treatment with a new doctor. I will share some of the details.

About 3 months ago, I decided to schedule with a new doctor. I had felt like I was being pushed off to the side by my current doctor and I couldn’t figure out why.  I waited 2 months for an appointment at my new doctor’s office and the day finally came. I cried that entire drive to Penn Hills, PA– 55 minutes to be exact. Fast forward and I am in this tiny room decorated with scientific photos of embryos and one very small round table with 3 chairs. I was alone; it was unnecessary for Timmy to take off work just for me to get blood work and a consultation. The doctor came in with a smile and a laptop, ready to tell me our fate. “Mrs. Leonard, why are you here?” Uhhhmmm… ??? “We have been trying for so long for a baby. I want answers,” I replied as tears welled up in my eyes. She turned her laptop screen around to explain an intense amount of numbers to me, every one of them “above average” for both myself and my husband. I just looked at those numbers dumbfounded.  “I don’t understand. What is wrong? Why can’t I get pregnant?” I managed to say. “Mrs. Leonard, you and your husband fall under the 1 in 6 category, which means you are both perfectly healthy. There is no reason why you shouldn’t get pregnant on your own, but you just need a little help.” Help. FINALLY. She continued to tell me that was the reason why the last doctor didn’t want to deal with me. He figured we had nothing against us and we would eventually get pregnant on our own.  Then, we talked about trying our very first IUI (intrauterine insemination). For those of you who are unfamiliar with the process, it is a medical turkey baster. Lucky for us, we were able to try less than 2 weeks from my appointment.

Trying to get pregnant is literally a full time job when you have been trying for as long as we have. You would think for a married couple it would be “fun,” but it can take a toll on a marriage. I personally have a wonderful husband; he’s a sport so he will basically do anything, including making sure I am up every day from cycle day 11 to 15 to pee on a stick to see if I am ovulating. They were all negative. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Day 15 I had to make another 55-minute drive, one way, to get blood work and have a date with Wanda. The girls in the TTC (trying to conceive) community like to add a little humor and doll ourselves up for our date; for those of you not familiar, its a vaginal ultrasound (10 bucks says my mom turned bright red as she read that sentence knowing that I publicly put that out there on the internet). Listen, when you have been poked at as many times as I have by multiple medical staff there is NO SHAME. Haha! Anyway, both tests confirmed ovulation; we were able to try our IUI the very next day. PRAISE THE LORD.

 

I’m not going to give you all the deets of that part of my story. It wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences, but it wasn’t the worst. Having a doctor try to inseminate you while your husband holds your hand is quite a humbling experience. None the less, we were confident. That 17mm egg on my right ovary was going to be attacked by an insane amount of little soldiers donated by my husband. His biggest fear, btw, was that they would accidentally get the “specimen” mixed up with some other guy’s who had been in the room before or after him. Haha! We left the office full of hope and we were now in the TWW (two week wait).

Our families and a few friends were the only ones who truly knew what all we were doing to try to bring Baby Leonard into this world. I was told to “act” pregnant, but not to overdo it. I stocked up on prenatal vitamins, had 0 caffeine the entire time, and did things to keep myself busy.

It was finally day 14. I woke up yesterday morning so excited to pee on a stick, but felt like FIRE. Confused, but too excited to care, I continued on with the process. We were so confident. We prayed, believed, and spoke life into my womb– literally out loud!  This was it, it was our turn, it was going to say yes! I had my back to the result screen, turning around every couple of seconds, until I finally turned around and saw the word NO was written on the screen. I was in total shock. I fell to my knees, shaking and crying, not yet ready to accept what was written before me; and then the pain came back, not just emotional, but physical. I instantly realized I needed to go to urgent care and I headed that way. I walked out of MedExpress with another negative pregnancy test and a positive bladder infection. I cried the whole way home. Timmy, the optimistic one, wouldn’t take no for an answer; he believed that the ovulation tests didn’t detect my ovulation so this could be wrong too. I once again had hope.

Today, it was confirmed that I am most definitely not pregnant. That  dream of a May 2019 baby had quickly come to a close. Did it sting? Oh my yes. Did I doubt God? Not for one second.  See, the entire week I had a song on repeat. It is a new one called “The Breakup Song” by Francesca Battistelli. That song is so deeply engraved in my mind and heart. The words “fear, you don’t own me” burn in the pit of my stomach. Fear is something not of God. Fear is how the devil captures us, how he chains us down to the lies, how he makes us feel defeated.  Have you ever had a bladder infection and Aunt Flo at the same time? Talk about wanting to give into defeat. Have you ever believed in something so hard and saw the word NO on a screen? Talk about almost giving into the lies. Don’t give into the lies, friend.

This means any lie, whether hearing “no” when trying to have a baby, trying to get a new job, buying a certain house, or anything that you are desiring at this moment and not receiving. If you have been told no somewhere along the line, don’t allow the fear that it is never going to happen consume you. It just means that God has something WAY better planned for you and your life. How can I be so sure? Because Jeremiah 29:11 says “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE.” I am blessed that I am surrounded by women and men in my life who remind me of this daily.

My “no” will become a “yes.” I know and I trust this; for that I praise God. Trust and praise God, knowing that your “no” will become a yes and when it does, it’s going to be bigger than what you have ever imagined. In the meantime, try to tackle a few of those other goals you have set for yourself; you’ll be surprised on how much better you feel after you accomplish them.

 

Xo,
Er

 

The Break Up Song by Francesca Battistelli music video