Please, Don’t Forget Her.

This particular topic has been weighing heavy on my mind for a few days now. I contemplated even writing it because it may offend people, but that is not its intention.This isn’t a post about myself or my personal situation, I just need to be a voice for others. If you’re reading this, keep an open mind. 

I have been living in a dark place since August. When most people see me, they wouldn’t guess that I was suffering. I’m good at faking it for the most part. The truth is my close family and a few friends can see me as if I am made of glass. My mom threw out the word “depression.” Well, if outbursts of crying, refusing to get out of bed, and contemplating if my life was worth continuing are the definition, then yes maybe I am was depressed.

Many would think that it’s from not getting pregnant (those of you who have been following along in previous posts). Honestly, for a while that’s exactly what I thought it was. After our failed IUI, I grieved like I miscarried; it was awful. In my grieving, both before and after the IUI, 17 very close family members and friends celebrated life in their womb. Suddenly, I was alone.

I’m very happy that they all get to have this blessing I so crave, truth be told I can’t wait to get my hands on so many babies and kiss tons of baby toes…but I am allowed to be a little sad for myself; and I was.

One by one, announcement by announcement, Timmy and I vanished into the background. The calls and the texts stopped, no one really cared to check on us anymore (especially like they did when we were prepping for our procedure). I have had to listen to how miserable pregnancy is, attend multiple gender reveals, buy numerous baby shower gifts, and listen to the new status of family members go from mom and sister to grandma and aunt. All the while, we have been silently suffering. Deflating that millionth conversation about a pregnancy with a little joke, waiting until we (yes, WE. It’s hard on the husbands too) got in the vehicle to cry, shopping on Amazon instead of Walmart to avoid the baby aisle (let’s face it; I prefer Amazon any other day too, lol), and wait until I got home to cry in the shower alone.

Why am I telling you all this? I am probably bumming you out, I know. I am saying all of this not for pity or attention. Quite frankly, I am in a wonderful place now, thanks to scripture, but someone else may not be where I am. The holidays are coming up; take it from someone who knows, it is the hardest time of the year. But you can change that or, at least, make it easier on her. Maybe vow to be the one who helps someone you know suffering from infertility, pregnancy loss, or child loss this holiday season.

Here’s how you can make her holidays bright:

1. If she’s suffering, let her sneak off and don’t call her out on it. There is a big chance that she’s going to the bathroom to cry and regain her composure.
2. If you have the type of relationship sneak off with her. Take her into a spare room and say a prayer with her, show her that she’s not in this alone.
3. Avoid the “advice” and all the questions. The last thing she is going to want to play is 20 questions about his sperm count and her issues, if there are any; and chances are she’s already tried what voodoo you’re going to tell her to do– trust me.
4. If you’re pregnant, consider your audience. It’s totally okay to talk about your bundle of joy, but just be mindful of how much. Constantly talking about it can create tension and bitterness. Just be mindful and talk about other topics like work or vacation plans with out throwing baby in every topic, at least until she leaves the room.
5. Please don’t tell her to RELAX. Honestly, that is the worst thing you could say to her; don’t even get me started on that.
6. Speak life into her.  Nothing helps more than knowing that there is another person who is praying and believing, too. Remind her that God has her, pray with her, and be her prayer warrior when she is too weak to pray herself (thanks, mom).
7. Check on her privately, even if its a quick text to make sure she’s okay. In all reality, doing this all the time is appreciated.

It’s amazing what these few acts of compassion can do for her. I am positive that you will make her feel so much better and even make those family gatherings more bearable.

To my girls suffering with infertility I have a message for you, as well. My mom has been preaching this to me non-stop.  Speak life into your body: you’re not infertile, you WILL carry a child. I think maybe as a whole if we stop claiming this horrible definition and start claiming a healing, we will get everything we have been praying for. Now excuse me while I put my war paint on. 😉

 

Xo,
Er