I Am Strong

I sat on my kitchen floor, back turned from the refrigerator, and a little puddle of tears building in my eyes. I just finished hanging up yet another baby shower invitation; complete with a diaper raffle card and I placed it with a Rae Dunn magnet that read “blessed”. That’s two this month; numbers 5 and 6 for this year. It has been a year for babies. Heck, every year is a year for babies.

I buy my gifts faithfully and RSVP “yes” to every one. When the day comes I pull myself together, listen to my praise and worship to convince myself that God has a plan for my life, smile, eat the same traditional rigatoni and finger sandwiches, and watch the clock. 2 hours. That’s all I require myself to do. Two hours of socializing, two hours of listening to the comments, two hours of watching baby clothes be gawked over. I do my part and I leave. 

I force myself to get to the end of the road and then I give myself permission to feel everything. I pull my mask off and I allow my $40 mascara to run down my cheeks with my tears. I scream, I cry, I bargain with God, I call my husband and he calms me down. I do this over and over again, baby shower after baby shower. Why? 

Because I. AM. STRONG. 

I am strong enough to come celebrate with you. I am strong enough to sit there, smile, and be genuinely happy for you – despite what I have been told and what has been said about me behind my back. I am someone who knows that God has a far greater plan for my life, but He never said this road would be easy. I am strong because I ASKED God to use me, knowing that the task may not be simple, but that God Himself would use me as a tool to bring others to Him. 

I am strong and I know that God sees my tears and He is saying, “Hold on baby girl. I have you in the palm of my hand. I am with you always. You are contributing to the greater good; just trust Me.” 

I am strong because I am confident in who I am and what I feel, but I don’t allow my emotions to take over my life.

I am strong because I have a church behind me putting their hands on me in prayer; building an army of angels around me as I go into battle against the enemy and his lies. 

I am strong in Christ. 

Looking infertility in the eye and telling it to move behind me has been a mountain all in its own. It has been something that I have learned to declare a healing over, and something that I had to remove from my everyday thoughts and feelings. 

Just shy of our 5 year anniversary and trying to bring our beloved baby into this world, I finally have true genuine peace. It’s a peace that only God can bring. I have written about such peace before in the past and then not long after it had seemed to fade away. I guess that’s why I haven’t written about my struggles for a while. I didn’t want to share anything other than genuine thoughts and feelings. The past year-and-a-half has been a roller coaster of reckless emotions. Emotions that had me on the verge of taking my own life, emotions that struck a nerve and caused me to punch a wall and nearly break my fingers; emotions that the devil used to take my heart and pull it back like a slingshot and shoot it as far away from God as it would fly. I hated myself, I couldn’t look in the mirror without seeing disgust. I believed the lies the enemy handed to me and I failed miserably at my job as a Christian. 

The specific prayer I’ve prayed since I was a teenager, God gave me and I was failing at it. I made it up in my mind that I was no longer going to disappoint Him. In January, Timmy and I found a praying church, surrounded ourselves with people who were prepped and ready for a spiritual battle, and have fought for us and our desire to have a baby. I know in my heart he or she will come one day, I truly believe that because since then, God has prepped our path to welcome a sweet babe into our home. He has opened up opportunities and doors and made ways for us to one day receive our blessing. 

The whole point of this isn’t to whine and complain. Quite frankly, I am hoping you are reading this as encouraging and barrier-breaking. I hope that as you follow along, the wheels are turning in your mind, your heart is exploding, and you realize that with God you have the advantage. With God, things will fall into place. With God, healings will occur, both spiritually and emotionally. With God, the voids will be filled and addictions will be broken. With God, you will receive the desires of your heart.  

No matter what your circumstances may be, trust in Him. With God, you are strong too. 

Xo,