I have hit the delete button at least half a dozen times. I just can’t seem to put into words what God did for me. I am in total awe and I just feel like no matter what I say, it just doesn’t do Him justice. My heart is so overwhelmed with gratitude and I want to use this post to honor Him in the best way I know how, so please bear with me.
I guess I will start out by saying that every person who has walked along side me during this journey is in equal awe of what God did. In the midst of this miracle, the most common statement is “this never happens”. They’re right, it doesn’t. When I tell you that this was completely orchestrated by God, there is no room for argument. Chance or coincidences have no room in this story and I won’t even entertain those explanations.
Through the 5 and a half years we have struggled with infertility there have been many low points and very little high ones. We hit our lowest point after our first failed IUI in 2018. During that time it seemed as though everyone around us was getting pregnant and we just couldn’t. It affected relationships, strained our marriage, and even worse, had me questioning God. At the time I was working in an ungodly atmosphere where I wasn’t thriving. I was becoming desensitized to the world, no judgment being passed here, but it was affecting me in many ways other than spiritually.
Hanging on the last thread of faith that I had, I can remember praying to God to save me from the pit I felt as though I was falling in. It was at that moment, crossing the Pennsylvania/West Virginia border, that God used that small, still voice I hadn’t heard for a while; He said “January.” Unclear on what it meant, that word was the only thing that got me through the holidays that year. I wanted so bad to believe that God was telling me I would find out I was pregnant or at the very least get pregnant, but was I ever wrong.
A few days into January, God indeed showed me His plan for me at that time. Honestly, it wasn’t in the way I had even expected it to be executed, but looking back, I know that it happened the way that it did because it needed to happen so I wouldn’t look back or second guess my decision. I brought my business home; something that I had been terrified of for years, and though I was thrown into it, it was the beginning of the journey that got me where I am today.
Fast forward through 2019, working with my cousin, and spending all of my free time drawing closer to God, I finally felt some sort of healing. Little by little, day by day, I was dealing with my infertility struggles a little bit better. Relationships were being mended, my mind was being healed, and God was opening my heart up to receive my spiritual gifts, too. I am not going to say that there weren’t days that I cried and screamed or moments where I felt weak, but as I drew closer to God, those days were fewer and there was more space between each one.
At the beginning of the year, Timmy and I discussed the option of going back to the doctor for more treatments, at this point we had taken a little over a year off and decided that we were ready. We had our appointment scheduled and then COVID-19 hit. During a virtual appointment, my doctor talked about putting me on Clomid to help the process along and once the red phase was lifted, I would go in and we would work from there. Unfortunately, a few months passed and we had to keep waiting for the next cycle because of the virus. To be completely honest though, my heart was never settled. I just couldn’t figure out why, until God spoke again. This time, we were called to become foster parents.
We contacted an agency and got the ball rolling with the fostering process. After hours upon hours of documents, clearances, classes, and other paperwork– just as we were finishing, a phone call came through that changed our lives forever. “We are having a hard time placing her…” “She may have special needs, she has a lot of appointments…” “They thought she was blind and deaf…” “Well, her parents aren’t capable of care…” I didn’t hear all of that scary stuff. Instead, I heard that still small voice again saying “Go get your baby. This is why I have been making you wait. She needs you.”
At 9:34pm on a Thursday night in June we said yes to the placement of our “blessing” (we will be referring to her as this to protect her identity while she is in foster care). The previous foster momma was kind enough to help us make the transition smooth for her, so every night prior to processing her as our foster baby, we would go into their home and rock her to sleep. We would drive a half hour one way just to kiss her goodnight. We knew she was ours and we were madly in love. I would cry the whole way home. The best way I can describe that long dreaded feeling was that I had a baby and I had to prove myself worthy of having her. Bio-mommas out there– can you imagine that? Trying to prove you’re worthy and capable of having your child? It is hard to fathom, but it is what I felt needed to be done to bring my babe home.
She has been officially processed and everything happed with in a matter of a week or so. It was crazy and there had been some obstacles in between that I won’t bore you with right now, but the main thing is, our girl is home and she’s blooming. She may have needs, but they are typical for her age. She is perfect in every single way and I can’t get over the love I have for this child. She is what we have been waiting for. She is why we didn’t feel right about taking the medications. She was conceived as I was making my transition home. She was why we were told to finish our nursery and why we needed to get into foster care; everything that has happened has pointed back to her. Let me tell you, she was worth the 5 and a half years, she’s worth the tears, the aching heart, the crazy transitions, and the fight.
In foster care there are always uncertainties; I totally understand that. I also know what God told me and I know that after 6 months there will be a celebration in her honor as she officially becomes a Leonard. Until then, I will enjoy every first tooth, first time she crawls, first steps, and all of the cuddles in between. She may not be flesh of my flesh but her heart is connected to mine.
The only thing I am going to ask of you today is that you keep her bio-parents in prayer. I am sure that this isn’t easy for them, no matter the circumstance.
1 Samuel 1:27 “For this child I have prayed: and the Lord has given me my petition which I asked of him.”
xo,
Er
I am so so happy for you. It’s nice to see that smile on your face. My the Lord bless you all.
My love is huge due such a little miss ❤
This is so very beautiful. I am grateful to read something so joyful in this chaotic time.
Many blessings to you all.
WE LOVED THE WONDERFUL STORY OF GOD ANSWERING YOUR PRAYERS. WE KNOW THAT DES MUST BE OVERJOYED ALSO.
IAM so beyond happy for you both my prayers have always been that God would give you a child I love you both so very much