Dear Whoever you are,
My name is Erin– wife, mother, sinner redeemed by Christ. That’s all you need to know about me. This letter is for you to find closure – if that is something you’re looking for– and I hope that it does.
I was so angry at you. When I walked into that hospital room for the first time and saw that sweet innocent baby, I immediately fell in love. I had purchased his first hospital outfit; I had planned on giving it to you when you came back for him. I was determined that we would make it look like you never left him, like you had all of these precious memories with him. What would have been pretend for you is mine now. It wasn’t until the nurses started telling me his story that I began to resent you. As I struggled to feed this helpless 6 pound child, I learned that you poisoned him with drugs. His skin was chapped the way it was because he was burning from the inside out. I learned that he wouldn’t take more than one ounce of milk in a one hour feeding, as he had lacked the ability to suckle because of the circumstance you put him in. His diaper changes were torture for him as he expelled the drugs and it burned his little bum on the way out. I also sat in that hospital room alone and held him while he started to tremor. I prayed over him and rocked him. You’re welcome.
The internal spiritual struggle I had trying to love and pray for you while I watched this baby go through the torture, not brought on by himself, was a war unlike any other. I looked at the leftover piece of you still attached to him and begged God to let it fall off so he would finally be rid of you– so that he was no longer attached. I told you earlier, I am a sinner redeemed by God.
After a few long nights of my husband and I loving him, singing to him, and kissing his pain away, as the drugs came out, I decided to call in for some spiritual help. That morning, my mom, sister, and cousin Tonya laid him on the kitchen counter and anointed him with oil. It was in that moment that I asked the Lord to forgive me for being so bitter toward you.
His umbilical cord fell off a few days later and it was such a symbolic moment. He had a few scattered tremors for a couple more weeks, but ultimately, had no major issues.
It wasn’t long that we learned you really weren’t going to come back and then, I began to feel sad for you. You were missing out on such a wonderful child and all of his major milestones. My heart hurt for you.
Days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, as the county searched high and low for you. You were gone. It wasn’t until my best friend ran into a friend from high school who had intercepted him at the hospital. I learned more details about him that night. He was naked. You wrapped him in a hoodie; he was so cold they had to transport him on a warming pad. Was he fed? You had him at home and tied his umbilical cord off with shoe strings. You clearly had nothing. According to her, you also didn’t have the desire to care for him. That’s when I was confident that you weren’t coming back; that’s when the villain in this story became a hero. Whether you dropped him off because you didn’t want him or you couldn’t care for him doesn’t matter. YOU chose to do the right thing. You chose to give him a better life than you were living; that told me you loved him a little… didn’t you? Don’t you?
Malachi– that’s what we named him– is doing fantastic. He went through the system as “baby boy unknown” and named “Fayettea Safe Haven” (Fayette Baby “A” Safehaven is what it stood for) for 9 and a half months. He has already traveled and gone camping; plus, he has a sister and a puppy dog he loves very much. We took him for his first photo with Santa and we are already bouncing around ideas for his first birthday. He’s happy and healthy; everyone who looks at him sees the perfection that he is.
Malachi will always know that he was adopted, but until he is old enough to hear why, he won’t be burdened with the story. He will be allowed to recognize you when he has questions, concerns, or anything else he may be feeling. We will refer to you in a positive way when we tell him about you. You will be a beacon of light in his story. Someone who loved him enough to take him to a safe place, instead of doing something unimaginable.
I also want to say that I am sorry if the conception of this child was of maliciousness, but you allowing him to live and myself and my husband being able to love and care for him has been the greatest reward. I pray that if it was from malicious intent that you are healing. I pray you are finding help for your addiction. If you are continuing with your addiction because you feel guilty– don’t. You did the right thing and if no one has ever told you, I am proud of you.
Know without a shadow of a doubt the Jesus loves you and it doesn’t matter what “bad” you have done in this world, He already paid the price. He can wash you clean from the inside out.
I want you to know that I love you, too. It would be impossible not to love the woman who gave me the son I had prayed for. The little boy I used to write letters to in the middle of the night; the baby that was in my mother’s dream years ago. Amidst your pain, you gave me the greatest joy because in that moment, you listened to that small still voice– God’s voice.
The Lord wants you to have a relationship with Him and I pray you find your way to Him.
I am sorry for being angry at you before, for all but cursing you under my breath. I hope you can forgive me. I also hope that you can forgive yourself.
Oh, by the way, he’s safe with me. Promise.
Love,
Malachi’s Mommy
Leave a Reply